What is Emotional Rape?
According to Michael Fox, Ph.D., emotional rape is similar in many ways to physical rape, particularly date rape. Date rape involves the sexual use of someone's body without consent which amounts to theft of the person's physical sensorium. In a like manner, emotional rape is the theft of someone's higher emotions, such as love, without consent. However, in the case of emotional rape the lack of consent is contained in the fact that the individual is being lied to by the perpetrator.
Emotional rape can happen to both men and women. Both forms of rape can be very devastating and require specialized programs for recovery.
Obstacles to Recovery
Several major obstacles are encountered in recovery from emotional rape that do not exist when considering physical rape. The first is that the victim is aware that something bad happened, but, due to lack of knowledge doesn't know what or why. Also, as in date rape, the victims often feel that they will never be able to love or trust anyone again.
Other obstacles to recovery, again similar to date rape, are the re-victimization of the victim by friends, family, and society ("you were stupid", "how could you let this happen", "...told you they were bad news", "you were naive", etc.) and the subsequent tendencies toward self-blame and silence about what happened.
Characteristics of Emotional Rapists
Without exception, victims describe two predominant characteristics of their rapists:
1. They are charismatic, attractive personalities, likely to be widely admired.
2) They can completely conceal their true, manipulative, power-seeking natures.
These two observations draw highlight one of the central features of Emotional Rape: it can happen to anyone.
The widely varying backgrounds and personalities of those who have become victims of emotional rapists demonstrate the danger in thinking that "It could never happen to me."
It is sometimes difficult to believe that no moral responsibility rests with the victim - because he or she was weak, naive, or otherwise "to blame" - but that it lies with the rapist, whose ability to conceal his or her true self and to present a false self with the intent of preying on others, is so practiced, so convincing, that almost anyone could be deceived.
What Makes an Emotional Rapist?
See psychopathy, narcissistic personality disorder, characteropathy, ponerology.
Discussion
It is no exaggeration to describe emotional rape as the most underrated trauma of our age; the effects are powerful and potentially destructive. Victims are forced to cope with a tangle of conflicting emotions, experiencing all the traumatic after effects of both rape and loss. This confused pattern of emotional responses is very similar to that experienced by victims of sexual rape. It's a pattern commonly identified as post-traumatic rape syndrome, although victims of emotional rape will be unaware that this is what is happening to them.
While these confused emotions are entangled and difficult to separate and/or categorize, it is possible to identify certain generalized feelings which characterize the emotional aftermath. Principally, these are:
- Denial
- Isolation
- Feeling 'Had' or 'Used'
- Loneliness and Despondency/Depression
- Rage and Obsession
- Inability to Love or Trust
- Loss of Self-Esteem
- Confusion
- Erratic Behavior
- Hidden and Delayed Reactions
- Fear and Anxiety
Accessed Jan, 23, 2011 from http://enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Emotional_Rape
Excerpts from 'The Emotional Rape Syndrome;
ReplyDeleteIt Could Happen to Anyone
Shara, who died after jumping from a freeway overpass into rush hour traffic, was exploited by a rapist who could accurately be described as armed and dangerous; an accomplished deceiver who had raped before.
Without exception, victims describe two predominant characteristics of their rapists:
They are charismatic, ostensibly attractive personalities, likely to be widely admired, but with a naturally manipulative nature.
They can completely conceal their true selves.
These two observations draw attention to one of the central features of such behavior:
Emotional rape can happen to anyone. The widely varying backgrounds and personalities of those who have already become victims demonstrate the danger in thinking otherwise; in believing "It could never happen to me."
It is sometimes difficult to believe that no moral responsibility rests with the victim - because he or she was weak, naive, or otherwise "to blame" - but that it lies with the rapist, whose ability to conceal his or her true self is such that almost anyone could be deceived.
The next chapter (which addresses the question, What Makes Emotional Rape Possible?) looks at the reasons why such a wide range of people are vulnerable to this traumatic experience.
The focus here is mainly on the rapist, examining what it is that makes an individual capable of this form of psychological aggression.
http://www.emotional-rape.com/chap03a.htm
Colliding Emotions
ReplyDeleteIt is no exaggeration to describe emotional rape as the most underrated trauma of our age; the effects are powerful and potentially destructive.
Victims like Cheryl are forced to cope with a tangle of conflicting emotions, experiencing all the traumatic after effects of both rape and loss.
This confused pattern of emotional responses is very similar to that experienced by victims of sexual rape.
It's a pattern commonly identified as post-traumatic rape syndrome, although victims of emotional rape will be unaware that this is what is happening to them.
These colliding emotions become so entangled that it is extremely difficult - and would be a serious misrepresentation - to attempt to categorize them individually. They are inseparable.
However, it is possible to identify certain generalized feelings which characterize the emotional aftermath. Principally, these are:
* Denial
* Isolation
* Feeling 'Had' or 'Used'
* Loneliness
* Rage and Obsession
* Inability to Love or Trust
* Loss of Self-Esteem
* Confusion
* Erratic Behavior
* Hidden and Delayed Reactions
* Fear and Anxiety
Each of these is considered in detail in this chapter, as are the typical physical and material after effects, so victims will understand that what they are going through is normal, that they are not alone, and that they are not insane. Later chapters examine how to recover from many of these symptoms.
The Hidden Agenda
ReplyDeleteIt cannot be argued that every relationship which comes to an end is a case of emotional rape. So what distinguishes this situation from the many other circumstances which bring relationships to a painful end?
Isn't it possible that Steve and Ellen just grew apart, that theirs was a love story that simply didn't work out?
Perhaps Steve was an extremely difficult person to be involved with and, in truth, lucky the marriage lasted as long as it did. Where does the true story of the relationship lie? And in what way can Steve's experience legitimately be described as a violation analogous to rape?
The most significant distinguishing feature of emotional rape - one discovered in material form by Steve - is the presence of a hidden, or dishonest, agenda.
Months later, while he was searching through records to prepare for divorce proceedings, Steve found a five-year-old diary belonging to Ellen. This journal spelled out her plans to pursue an acting career, plans she had never shared with him although he had repeatedly asked about the long-term purpose of her expensive and time-consuming interest in the theater.
The discovery of that diary - a statement of intention clarified beyond doubt Ellen's selfish motives for her involvement with Steve. She had deliberately used his love and support as a vehicle to move towards her own secret goal of becoming an actress.
This is the classic emotional rape scenario: the use of a higher emotion (in this case, love) to fulfill a hidden agenda (her acting career).
Even after their separation, when, although she didn't know it, Steve had read her diary, Ellen still insisted that she never planned a full time acting career, saying it was simply something that had happened "one step at a time."
Her continued denial of the existence of any hidden agenda showed the depth of her deception and led Steve to the painful realization that she had never loved him.
There can be no hidden agendas in real love.
A sincere relationship requires agreements between partners. The exact nature of these agreements - whether they are written, spoken, or implied understandings - is not important. What is important is that there is understanding and trust between the people involved.
Between a man and a woman the most common agreements are that their relationship will be lasting, honest and monogamous. When one partner's intentions are at odds with these understandings, and are kept secret from the other partner, the relationship becomes basically flawed.
In cases of emotional rape this dishonesty is often present from the very beginning, although it is unusual to find hard evidence, as Steve did, of the hidden agenda. (Emotional rapists tend to avoid any definite spoken or written statements of intent, preferring vaguely-defined implied agreements.)
However, a sufficient number of identifiable characteristics are usually present that, while it is often too late for catastrophe to be anticipated and averted, the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship can be understood after the event.
These features, even if identified in retrospect, can help victims understand what has happened to them, giving them a chance of real recovery.
Significant Features
ReplyDeleteThere are two other significant features of emotional rape, the first being sudden reversal.
The victim thinks the relationship is fine until this illusion is unexpectedly shattered, typically when the ambitions of the rapist have been achieved, or when he or she realizes the success of the hidden agenda is threatened.
This was evident in the story of Steve and Ellen. She had completed her hidden agenda, and her true priorities were exposed when he returned home after surgery and needed her to care for him.
The second characteristic is that victims feel extremely "used" and fear they will never be able to love or trust again.
For Steve this feeling was so overwhelming that it made him vomit. It is this devastating effect that emotional rape has upon the individual that absolutely justifies the use of the word "rape" to describe the experience.
Author Michael Fox, Ph.D.
Michael Fox obtained his doctorate degree in physical chemistry in the 1970s. He is a scientist whose work on a wide range of research topics has been published in a variety of highly respected journals over the past twenty years.
He has been involved in research and development throughout his career, working for some of the largest high-technology corporations in the world. His interest in emotional rape was spurred by the attempted suicide of a close friend. It should be noted that Dr. Fox is not a psychologist or psychiatrist and that his interest in emotional rape is personal as opposed to professional. He has applied his skills as a researcher to the topic, and believes he has developed considerable insight into the topic of emotional rape, but makes no claim beyond that.
He now lives in Tucson, Arizona, where he is actively engaged in research, consulting, writing, and expert witness work.