Monday, November 30, 2009

Social Learning

Men often learn to commit rapes and
are influenced by watching violent or pornographic films
featuring women who are beaten, raped, or tortured.74
In one case, a 12-year-old boy in Providence, Rhode
Island, sexually assaulted a 10-year-old girl on a pool
table after watching TV coverage of a case in which a
woman was similarly raped.75 (The case was made into
a film, The Accused, starring Jodie Foster.)

Source: C. Boyle, “Sexual Assault: A Case Study of Legal Policy
Options,” in Canadian Criminology: Perspectives on Crime and
Criminality, ed. M. Jackson and C. Griffiths (Toronto: Harcourt
Brace, 1991),

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Angel~You will Never Hurt Again


Just like a shadow
I'll be beside you
I'll be your comfort
And let it guide you home
I will provide you a place of shelter
I want a be your zone
I'll act as if you do
Tell me what you wanted me to do
I'll make you great to be a man
With a woman who can stand
Who will never promise to leave her man
Making vows to please her man

If I could be your angel
Your angel, Your angel
Protect you from the pain
I'll keep you safe from danger
You'll never hurt again
I'll be your a.n.g.e.l
I'm gonna be your a.n.g.e.l
I'll be your angel

Just like the moon
I'll step beside
And let your sun shine
While I follow behind
Cause baby what ya got
It is with all the props
With everything I'm not
I'll act as if you do
Tell me what you wanted me to do
I'll make you great to be a man
With a woman who can stand
Who will never promise to leave her man
Making vows to please her man

If I could be your angel
Your angel, Your angel
Protect you from the pain
I'll keep you safe from danger
You'll never hurt again
I'll be your a.n.g.e.l
I'm gonna be your a.n.g.e.l
I'll be your angel

Tell me why there's so many good men
Men in the world misunderstood
He's a dog, he's no good
I wish somebody would
Disrespect my man
You're gonna have to come see me
I go hard for my baby
He's all that I need

So if you got a good one
Put your hands up,
Come on girl and stand up
Go ahead lift your man up
Get up
If you got a good one, put your hands up
Go ahead lift your man up
Get up
If you got a good one, stand up
Come on girl, and stand up

If I could be your angel
Your angel, Your angel
Protect you from the pain
I'll keep you safe from danger
You'll never hurt again
I'll be your a.n.g.e.l
I'm gonna be your a.n.g.e.l
I'll be your angel

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Equilibrium | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Equilibrium | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Promise of Life | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Promise of Life | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

What are you busy with? | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

What are you busy with? | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Rain of Peace and Understanding | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Rain of Peace and Understanding | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Life Is a Road | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Life Is a Road | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

With the Heart of a Child | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

With the Heart of a Child | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Will you accept the fact? | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Will you accept the fact? | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Accept the Fact

Expression: Hello Maharaji, I'm so excited. First when I heard you, I was 14. Now I'm 44. Everything is ok except my head. I really don't know if I'm the only one. It makes me not practice. You were talking about being in love. I love you and your knowledge, but the problem is I don't love myself. It's like something I was born with. I went to therapy and everything, But I don't know what to do.

Maharaji: Will you accept? Will you accept facts? Are you willing to accept the fact (Yes) Ok then very good. We will cure the problem. So you're hear, this is a fact. The love for me, the love for knowledge; where does it take place? In you. Does it not? Don't you love knowledge when even when you are not here? (yeah) So all this love is taking place inside of you? I'm just pointing out facts. Is it not a fact. How much love do you have for knowledge (a lot!) So accept it. This is what you are capable of. It is you that loves the love. So if you are the one that love the love. Then you must love yourself to be able to love. But you don't accept it. Just accept, don't battle. Because it is a fact.

If I hate myself, I cannot love you. If I hate myself, I cannot love knowledge. When you have that love, accept it. Accepting is the hardest part. Not just for you, but for many; accepting is the hardest part. Look how many religions are there. They all talk about one God, but they cannot accept it.

Be careful | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Be careful | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Heaven, hell, and the God | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Heaven, hell, and the God | Prem Rawat | Maharaji | Video

Shared via AddThis

Saturday, August 15, 2009

For Those Who Tell You to "Just Get Over It" or "Forgive & Forget" by Kathy Krajco

For Those Who Tell You to "Just Get Over It" or "Forgive & Forget"
by Kathy Krajco


...what about a crime in progress? I'm morally obligated to forgive it, right?

What does that mean? Like, I am under assault by someone committing assault-and-battery against me, and I must sign off on the debt he will owe me when he finishes damaging me? I must "give away my anger"? I must therefore put down that baseball bat and stop defending myself, right?

Well, let's say the Narcissist has already ruined my life. He destroyed a $50,000 professional career (the cost of a college education), calumniating me so badly that I can't get a job anywhere but at the checkout in a convenience store.

He did it 10 years ago. Which means that the Narcissist has by now racked up a debt of $500,000 ($50,000 a year). Plus interest. Plus punitive damages.

But I'm a bad person who fails to "heal" if I haven't forgiven him by now, right?

But let's say I do forgive him now. Am I not forgiving a crime in progress? The ruining of my life? Yes, the crime is in progress until he restores my good name, and he never will. So, am I not forgiving the $50,000 he will be stealing from me next year, and the next, and the next, until I die?

I think I'm beginning to get it. This "forgiveness" business is just "letting him get away with it."

It's bad enough to be unable to do so, but don't try to tell me that I have no right to want to do so.

Aye, laddies, THERE's the pathology! It's those pathological feelings of mine! I must numb them.

So, I get it now: forgiveness is like a drug, a pain-killer. A mental one. It amounts to "acting like it didn't happen."

Yes, let's play Pretend.

All gone. I feel fine now.

That's all you have to do to make a ...crime go away. Just make nothing of it.

Ruining my life was nothing.

I'm going to ask the [therapists & ministers] why they are dehumanizing me, devaluing me all the way to absolute zero, by saying that destroying my car is destroying a thing of value -- but destroying me is nothing.

Though I must forgive him, he need not ask for my forgiveness. He need not give me back my good name or pay even a portion of the damages. He need not even say he's sorry. He need not even admit that it was wrong for him to do that. He need not even admit that he did it!

How come I am the only one who incurs a debt through his deed? I owe him forgiveness, and he owes me nothing.

Indeed, he need not even promise never to do it again.

Like that guy committing assault and battery against me. He does that about once a week. But I must forgive him 70 times 70 times without him ever even promising to stop doing it?

Well then, let's add this up. If it was nothing when she or he did it yesterday, it would be nothing if she or he does it tomorrow too. No penalty = no damages.


The reason I yelled that is because someone with total contempt for logic, who thinks you negate a truth by simply flatly denying it, is sure to say that I am not letting them do that, as if that is a valid argument in answer. Which is exactly as valid as thinking that you prove the sky is purple simply by saying that it is.

(Psst, if your genetic instincts for survival are so anesthetized that they haven't informed you yet, I have news: some folks are amoral, like precisely the folks who attack you for no reason, so hitting back is the only way to make them stop attacking you. Yes, I'm afraid 'tis so. Sorry, their amorality doesn't take away my right to protect myself from them: it gives me the right to whack them.)

By serially forgiving the serial offender I am letting them offend me, because I am doing nothing to put a stop to it. I am doing nothing to discourage them from doing it more or again. I am not protecting myself. I am not defending myself. This conduct flies in the face of the instinct for self-preservation and therefore violates the Laws of Nature as a perversion of human nature.

That's of all things "healing"? I'd say it sounds more like self-masochism.

Yeah for forgiveness! A great idea invented and loved by all the bad guys in Hell.

By forgiving every offense – for no reason other than that it was committed and hurts me - I am letting them hurt me!

Pardon my incredulity at such craziness. That allows me no more rights than his punching bag has. I mean, to be a good girl, I must thus serve myself up on a platter (the literal meaning of 'be-tray') and deliver myself up to continued victimization = I must bend over it.

Yes, that will make me like myself a lot. I'm being sarcastic, of course. I see that I must thus make me hate myself instead of my abuser. Because I will for sure hate myself for being such an abject worm who just lays down like a doormat to be trampled like that.

And any HUMAN being, any therapist or preacher with one drop of empathy/ humanity in them, knows that. How callous of these "caring" people to tell us we're bad if we don't prostrate ourselves to abuse this way - something that makes any man, woman, or child feel so self-degraded that they hate themselves ever after.

How faithful of me to me. But what happens to your relationship with anyone who betrays you to harm or abuse? Then what happens to your relationship with yourself when you betray yourself?

I'd like to know how any therapist thinks that would be good for a person.

Now for some sanity.

The problem with feelings, like hunger and thirst for justice, anger, and sorrow is NOT that they hurt. They are emotional pain. If you repress them to the subconscious, they drive your behavior from there, without your awareness of what's driving your behavior. You have done nothing but slam the lid down tight on a pressure cooker.

That's when they can explode so you that do do something wrong. If you accept, own, go through your feelings, like any pain they pass.

Then, as time passes, so does the pain. THAT'S healing.

And when the pain of the emotion of anger passes, so does the motivation to right that wrong. should never give up, never surrender, never resign yourself to defeat. Never, never, never. That you must never quit waiting for an opportunity to set the world right-side-up again.

Anyone who thinks that's bad should try thinking right-side-up.

Because forgiveness is for the repentant. To hand it out to the unrepentant is like going up to your neighbor on trash-collection day and saying, "Here, I'll trade you this 12-carot diamond ring for that little baggie of doggie-do."

In some cases, the Narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your peace of mind or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period.

Recovering from Someone with NPD

Hope this helps someone.


The person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

* Lacks the ability to empathize. They can fake it on and off, but if you have enough exposure to the person, eventually you will see this pattern clearly. They may show zero emotion when hearing news of, for example, deep suffering of huge numbers of people.

* Loves attention, even bad attention.

* As psychiatrist Thom Hartmann says, they "Kiss up and Kick Down", meaning they are incapable of having truly healthy relationships. They regard other humans as a kind of resource to be used for their own ends. People they have relationships with become part of their "pyramid marketing scheme downline".

* Goes from incredible highs to deep lows. When they are high, they might not be able to stop talking. When they are low, they struggle to say good morning. (seems bipolar but is not)

* May fly into a rage at the slightest provocation on some days. And at other times, they seem impervious even to the most brutal attack. They might stay awake all night wrestling with a single innocuous thing you said to them the day before, and then launch at you the next day with some bizarre logical conclusion of it.

* When you challenge their behavior, you may quickly move from Friend to Enemy. Sufferers of NPD think in black-and-white terms. You are either "with them or against them".

* Ultimately, they are at the center of the universe. Just like an alcoholic, they will risk a lot to get their next fix.

* Their relationships with newcomers go through three stages that I have identified: (1) Enchantment to (2) Disenchantment to (3) Contempt. [ ] They may go directly to the Contempt stage if the new person show no signs of adoration or reverence early on.

* Often respond in the opposite way to what you might expect. (BACKWARDS reactions - they attack when they should comfort)

* They are attracted to positions of power and particularly those where their decisions are rarely questioned. They regard themselves as "the decider". They often just don't get that others may have a contribution to make to the decision process. You can see that in their language. They talk as if they have the facts. They begin sentences like this "the reality is..." and "the fact is..." and so on.

* NPD starts early and its sufferers have over decades developed an impressive range of dis-empowerment skills, from "you are being too sensitive" to talk about a person being a "good person" or a "bad person".

* They are masters at setting one person against another, and they construct a culture of distrust and hostility.

* They always believe they are right.

From what I have read, NPD sufferers rarely get clinically diagnosed, let alone treated. I can understand that. Just imagine waking up with the notion that you might be afflicted with this condition; you would have to build your life from scratch, even if you did believe treatment were possible - which it's not.

There are plenty of people out there who have suffered at the hands of a Narcissist, and extensive research has been done to help you identify it. The Internet is awash with anecdotes, life stories, and the results of research.

The best thing you can do to protect yourself from a Narcissist is to stay away from them. Give it time and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, if you are exposed to it in someone in whom you have personally invested, will hurt you. I guarantee it. It's a slow nibbling-to-death process.

First, you're attracted to this striking person because you seem to have so much in common with them, and striking they are, as they weave a web around you. They know exactly how to get attention - they've been perfecting the art since childhood. What's really happening is you are being prepared for dinner. Their dinner. And you are but one of their side-dishes. They don't count how many little folks like you they have consumed over the years.

A spider doesn't count the flies he eats and he has no feelings for any of them. The fly is just dinner; that's the fly's place in this world. When you have a relationship with someone under the influence of NPD, you are the fly.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Interesting Information about "The wizard of Oz Movie"

Wizard of Oz, interesting information


Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP (Retired) Editorial Advisor

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? -Tina Turner

The trouble with falling in love is that the fall can terminate against the cold concrete of betrayal. Pain replaces promise, cynicism flowers in place of confidence and hope flees on wings of misled desire.

If both of you gave it your honest best, and it failed to work out, then it's the kind of pain that can heal in time. The experience can even increase the chances for future relationship success. But there are times when the object of your lost affection intensifies the pain-times when someone who looks like the perfect choice turns out to be the perfect heel. And the damage may not be easily undone.

Unlike men that can honestly struggle with their own uncertainties and confusions about a relationship, and recognize the part they play in creating problems and conflicts, there are other kinds of men that see love as a game and you as their pawn. In this cruelly covert contest, cunning is their watchword, deception is their fix, and control is their high.

Just as addicts are unrelenting in pursuit of making the next score, these kind of men are unyielding in their hunt for women that they can deceive and manipulate. Unlike emotionally sound men and women, who respect others as much as they do themselves, controlling-men respect no one. To them, people are things. And things can be used.

These "Controllers" use words as deceptive tools. Applying charm's anesthetic to deaden the pain, they perform emotional-heart-surgery with crude precision. And young women can make the most vulnerable targets for a Controller's manipulative scalpel.

While the harm most of these men inflict is emotional and psychological, there are those among them with a more dangerous twist, who feed off their victims' souls the way a leech drains the blood of its prey: drop by drop. These are the captivating vampires, whose devious masks conceal every woman's worst nightmare-the terrifying face of a future batterer or stalker.

To these violent men, control is like oxygen. Every sign of submission from others is like the breath of life, falsely confirming their delusion that only brute force affirms their worth. Failing to dominate a woman triggers loose a choking fear in these men, which they cannot face. That hidden fear is the truth that threatens their common delusion of godlike invincibility and exposes them as frightened little men, terrified of everyone and everything, including their own guilt. But guilt, for them, is intolerable.

They twist responsibility for their cruel actions away from themselves and lay it onto their victims. Their domineering maneuvers are magically excused in their minds. They project their own selfish, manipulative and deceptive defects of character onto the very people they harm, while persistently and vigorously proclaiming themselves as blameless.

Almost every woman will encounter at least one of these control-obsessed men in her lifetime, whether his method of control is limited to emotional manipulation or extends into physical intimidation. But there are ways to identify each type of Controller before it's too late. There are methods for dealing with them, avoiding them or escaping them. There are ways to protect and keep an honest heart. And this series of articles is designed to help you protect yourself from harm, by providing you with a basic Controller detection system, which begins in grasping the fundamental nature of control.

Control, itself, is not inherently negative. Everyone wants some form of it. It would be sheer folly to want none in a relationship, especially if you have experienced previous betrayal. But there is a critical difference between healthy and unhealthy control.

A healthy desire for control originates in a need to protect-either someone else or your self. Until a toddler learns the limits of safety and danger in the home, its only source of protection is its parents' limit-setting controls. Movement control is harm control. Love is the motive. Protection is the goal.

Unhealthy control originates in a desire to dominate another, either through words or actions designed to both charm and harm--to captivate while simultaneously damaging the emotionally captured. It is this pairing of charm with harm that is the hallmark of Controller manipulations. Preaching sugar while practicing poison, they are experts at concealing their true natures. Hiding bad intentions beneath polished appearances, they have perfected the art of "looking good." It is this uncanny ability of Controllers to alternate looking good with manipulative behavior that perpetuates tormenting emotional snares for those they target as victims.

Regret is not in their psychological vocabulary. They harm others because they feel entitled to hurt people. It is not a matter of moral right or wrong to them when they inflict harm. It's only a matter of believing that they "have the right." And if they always believe that right is on their side, which they always do, then any harmful act is always justified.

In over twenty year's work as a therapist, one of the eeriest experiences has been in listening to clients describing control-obsessed parents or partners. It is as if many of the people I have counseled had the same mother, father or relationship partner, stamped out of a small collection of similar molds. Or that all control-obsessed individuals took the same set of courses at Controller College-some with a specialty in narcissistic personality, others in being sociopathic and still others in sadistic or borderline psychopathology. The behaviors and attitudes of each type are so astonishingly similar, it seems as if they must all belong to the same bowling team.

These similarities in so many clients' descriptions of their control-obsessed parents or partners gradually brought me to suspect a common link between Controllers and their mental states. In 1993 that link was clarified by a team of researchers, headed by Donald G. Dutton, at the University of British Columbia, who were studying the personality characteristics of battering men.

Dutton's team discovered that 90-100% of men who physically assault their spouses exhibited symptoms of what are clinically known as "personality disorders." Many studies done to test their research project have confirmed their conclusions, which provides stunning evidence that men who batter women have sets of distinct, unique, identifiable personality characteristics. And a potential victim can recognize these characteristics before falling for someone who is skilled at appearing to be "Mr. Right."

The Canadian's exclusively focused upon men who are physically assaultive, but there is an entire range of control-obsessed men who do not batter with their fists. Their weapons are words, charm and your vulnerability. And their personality profiles are as distinct as those of their more brutal counterparts.
This is the beginning of a series of articles, condensed and modified toward a Young Woman's perspective, from Control >< Counter-Control: How to Identify and Overcome Controlling Men and Women-At Home to Corporate Battlefield, © Roger Melton 1998, which has yet to find a publisher. Each article is based upon my own extensive experience and research in dealing with various types of trauma survivors and those who victimize them, and upon extensive experience counseling a wide variety of individuals and couples as a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Next in the series > Romeo's Bleeding: Part 2-The Malice Artists. It will describe the basic features of "personality-disordered" men who are obsessed with control.

Copyright © Roger Melton 1999
acessed August 14/2009

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it -- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Little Voices

Copyright © 2009 by Richard A. Grossman, Ph.D. • All Rights reserved • E-Mail:
If parents do not enter a young child's world, but instead require him or her to enter theirs to make contact, the resulting damage can last a lifetime. In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents world.

To secure their place in the family, these children often become expert in intuiting their parents' feelings and moods and automatically responding in ways they deem helpful. In effect, they become good parents to their own parents.

What happens when these children enter adulthood? Depending on personality and history, there are different possibilities. Here are two:

Some become gentle, sensitive, and non-assuming adults. They are also generous and caring, often volunteering for charitable organizations, animal shelters, and the like. Frequently they feel other people's pain as if it were their own, and are racked by guilt if they cannot somehow relieve this distress. Many seem to tiptoe in and out of rooms. Unfortunately these qualities also allow them to be used and abused by other people, for they are unable to stop giving without feeling they are bad or unworthy. Having a secure "place" and providing for others' emotional needs are inextricably woven together. If they are not providing, they feel they are no longer part of anyone's world, and they have no value to anyone. Their self-esteem is completely dependent upon responding to others needs. In extreme cases, their "voicelessness" is so complete, so consuming, these "little voices" literally are silent for long periods of time. This is not a form of passive aggressive behavior (as has often been suggested) or even a retreat from relationships. Unless asked direct questions, they simply can't think of anything to say. "What do you want?" (now, this week, this year, during your lifetime) is impossible for them to answer. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.

Other "little voices" ultimately become aware that they have sacrificed their independence, their "voice," in bending around others, and become negative and bitter. They are exceptionally sensitive to what they perceive as the non-responsiveness of people around them--precisely because they compare their own generous nature to the words and actions of others. Almost everyone comes up short. As a result, they are viewed by others as "critical" and difficult to get along with. They are easily slighted and prone to angry outbursts. The theme of their anger is often: look what I've done for you, and look what I get back. And yet they are trapped, because if they stop anticipating everyone's needs they feel invisible. Sometimes, these "little voices" live with (or close to) their demanding and unappreciative parents until the parents die; they deeply resent siblings who managed to escape.

Copyright permission obtained by Dr. Grossman via email July 2009

Why do Some People have One Bad Relationship after Another?

Copyright permission obtained by Dr. Grossman via email July 2009

Some people unwittingly choose destructive relationships over and over again. The consequences of their choices are painful and emotionally damaging, yet those that engage in this repetitive behavior never seem to learn from their experience. Instead they go from one bad partner to the next, much to the chagrin of those closest to them (including therapists) who pull their hair out trying to stop them. Why does this happen?

Traditional psychoanalytic theory offered an intriguing, yet seemingly unlikely explanation for such self-destructive relationship choices. People who choose such partners must derive pleasure from being mistreated. Simply stated, the choosers are masochistic. If the "pleasure principle" drives people, as analysts argued, certainly this behavior follows the same rules. The therapist's task was to make the unconscious pleasure known to the patient--and then they would be free to choose a more appropriate partner.

Yet, in my years of doing therapy, I never found any client who received any pleasure at all, conscious or unconscious, from the abuse and neglect heaped on them by narcissistic or otherwise destructive partners. Rather, my clients were simply hurt over and over again. Still, the "repetition compulsion" was true enough: no sooner had a client ended with one particularly hurtful person then they found another wolf in sheep's clothing. There had to be a good reason. Here's what my clients have taught me over the years.

People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the "Big Dig" in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" and experience them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out "voice" only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, "voice hog," or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person.

And so it goes. The person goes in the relationship with the hope or dream of establishing their place with a narcissistic partner, only to find themselves emotionally battered once again. These are not "oedipal" choices--people are not choosing their father or mother. They are picking people they perceive powerful enough to validate their existence.

But why doesn't a person leave when they realize they are in yet another self-destructive relationship? Unfortunately, on occasion things go well with a narcissistic partner--particularly after a blowout fight. A narcissist is often expert in yielding just enough "voice" to keep his or her victim from leaving. They grant a place in their world, if only for a day or two. The wish that this change is permanent sustains the voiceless person until the relationship regresses back to its usual pattern.

Giving up a destructive relationship is difficult. The brief moments of validation are cherished, and the person who finally leaves must relinquish the hope of "earning" more. When the person finally breaks free they are faced with an immediate and lasting feeling of emptiness and self-blame that makes them question their decision.

“If only I had been different or better--then I would have been valued," is the usual refrain. Once the old relationship is sufficiently grieved, the person immediately resumes their search for another partner/lover with the qualifications and authority to again secure him or her a "place" in the world.

Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial.

This is exactly where therapy comes into play. The analysts were correct in at least one important matter. This repetitive behavior has its roots in childhood, the time in which "voice" and self are established. People are often aware that they are struggling to be heard, to have a sense of agency, and to be valued in a relationship, but they are unaware that this is usually the very same struggle they had with one or both parents. A good therapist reveals this by closely examining their personal history.

And so the presenting problem is redefined and broadened to a life issue--and the work begins. A therapist bears down with all the resources available to him or her. Insight is certainly one--for, as suggested above, there is much the client does not know about the depth and breadth of the problem. Just as important is the relationship between therapist and client. Simply put, the relationship must be real, meaningful, and deep. The client must learn to establish voice, and it must be appreciated by the therapist in a genuine way. For the therapy to be effective, the relationship will likely be different from every other one the client has had. Advice and encouragement, often seen as hallmarks of good therapy, are by themselves insufficient. To make headway, the therapist must partially fill the same void that the client was unconsciously hoping their lover would. The client must feel: "My therapist is someone who hears me, values me, and gives me a 'place' where I feel real and significant."

Once the client feels certain of this, they can begin looking for partners using more realistic, adult criteria. And they can finally free themselves from people who chronically hurt them. In this way, the self-destructive, repetitive cycle is broken.
Accessed Tuesday, July 14, 2009

For the past 25 years, Dr. Richard Grossman has maintained a psychotherapy practice specializing in the treatment of adult children of narcissistic parents and people with narcissistic spouses or partners. Prior to entering private practice, he taught and supervised in the internship and postdoctoral psychotherapy programs at Massachusetts General Hospital/ Harvard Medical School where he was on staff.

Dr. Grossman started the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival web site in 1999. The essays on this site--on narcissism, relationship issues, adult children of narcissistic parents, depression, parenting, and therapy--have drawn hundreds of thousands of readers, and the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board has over a hundred thousand posts from people sharing (often for the first time) their personal experience with these topics.

Featured in New England Psychologist, Dr. Grossman's work has also appeared in Boston Magazine, The Boston Globe, Cosmopolitan (UK), The Brookline Tab, and other magazines, books, and web sites.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Straight Talk about Narcs

Understanding the problem
So, what exactly IS a narcissist? In short, a narcissist is someone (usually a man, but not always) who is totally self-absorbed to the point where there is no room for anyone else. There is no other point of view, no other needs, wants, or desires. This person will be arrogant, haughty, and superior. If the person is good-looking, they will use that to their advantage. They use people to get what they want. They crave admiration, even demand it, whithout necessarily earning it.

Before the chains of bondage can be broken, you have to gain a clear understanding of what you are dealing with.

You are probably stone cold nuts by now, particularly if you are subject to them in some way, i.e., they are your spouse, boyfriend, or fiance, your boss, your parent, your son or daughter, your doctor, your priest, minister, or rabbi, your best friend, your teacher, your neighbor, you co-worker..........

They are everywhere and they can be just about anyone in your life.

Sometimes they come and go, and sometimes they stay and stay and stay -- and you're stuck with them.

They demean you.

They are mean to you.

They point out your problems to you.

They make you feel guilty.

You find yourself constantly apologizing to them.

They are sucking you dry mentally, emotionally, spiritually,
physically, financially, and they are at the center of your universe - but you are not at the center of theirs. The only person at the center of their universe is THEM.

They are bigger than life.

And you are nothing.

You've given up your freedom to be their abject slave.

You have no hope of escape.


What do you have to lose?
Some time in the past, you got in their cross-hairs and became a target: It may have been so long ago you may not even remember a happier, more care-free time.

They had their radar up and operating when you came within their sights to become a narcissistic source they could milk dry.

They may still seem to be bigger than life, a hero type, the knight in tarnished armor fighting your battles, an apostle to lead you into the Kingdom, or a diamond in the rough who just needs a little care and compassion to bring out the best in him.


So, if you give them up you would be losing... what? A portion of your life? your battles? the Kingdom? knowledge? justice? bread? money?

At the time you recognize that he is doing you such damage that you are totally spent, without any energy, love, or hope, you have to ask yourself the question, "Is this truly worth it?"!

It isn't, of course, but fear may drive you into a paralyzing

The way out is to begin to recognize that if you reject the narcissist, you are not losing anything; you are GAINING you sanity!

Taking the risk
Risk assessment is very important: You need to determine the course of action you will take when YOU DUMP the narcissist.

This can be very dangerous, depending upon your situation.

If you are going to get a divorce, what are the options to support yourself and your children and stay away from the abuse?

If it's your boss, how are you going to manage a potential job loss?

If it's your minister, how will you manage the potential damage he could do to your reputation?

If it's your teacher in school, how will you finish your education?

The problem is not just that they are everywhere, but they become master manipulators, making you look like the bad guy while enlisting the aid of powerful allies.

You must prepare carefully to avoid as much risk as possible.

Women who have gotten a divorce have told of getting a judgment against their abusers for both alimony and child support only to have to find a way to support themselves because their ex defied the courts and have paid nothing.

Sometimes the narcissist goes after their departed source with a vengeance and may even attempt murder -- it's certainly not unheard of. Even those you'd swear would never do that!

The problem is that if you stay with them, the risk is no less, and you may only be postponing the vicious attacks of which, you have come to understand, the narcissist so capable.

Remember though, the narcissist is used to inflicting pain; it is what he does; it is who he is.

One of the most amazing things about abusive people is that they have no idea they are abusive: They are so focused on themselves that they neither care NOR do they understand they are abusing others.

Concerning reputation: Narcissists are really good at ruining someone else's reputation -- all they have to do is say something that sounds credible that you know is a lie, and everyone will abandon you before you can collect and show the facts of the matter.

Narcissists are great at blaming the victim.

Not only that, but they will find (or plant) something somewhere to "prove" that you lied in the past and ruin your credibility.

Narcissists also like to take the objective and turn it into what seems to be a personal attack on them -- thus, again, making you look like the bad guy, e.g., making everyone feel sorry for HIM.

They have the majority on their side, because they tell people what they want to hear, and most of the time, the truth is the last thing people want to hear.


They need you.

Narcissism is a mental disorder which is defined by a lack of
empathy as well as a peculiar non-existence: That is to say, the narcissist needs others to reflect back to them what they appear to be in order to define themselves; without this feedback, they don't exist.

And the worst thing you could ever do, from their point of view, is to COMPLETELY ignore them.

To ignore them is to snuff them out.

Narcissists become very angry when you ignore them!

To question that they are the center of the Universe is anathema to them -- pure heresy.

They are the greatest of their kind of all time.

And when you question their importance, you become a "lying betrayer."

They are so confident of their greatness, that anyone questioning it is not just their enemy, to be fought tooth and nail, they are deceivers, cheating others of the truth.

Hopefully, you recognize the baloney of the narcissist for what it is, but often they have such forcefulness, they can bully their way past the obvious baloney.

Though they seem confident of their position in the Universe -- at the center of it -- and believe that the Universe would cease to exist without them, they hold the secret fear that the Universe might just be able to do without them without much notice, if any at all, and it creates a tremendous fear within them.

They need you to validate them.

You need them to leave you alone.

Avoiding the more obvious traps
You can make the choice to dump the narcissist when you recognize him for who and what he is -- nothing at all; useless, worthless, pretty much a fool.

Or he can dump you.

Either way, you have cause for rejoicing, even if you feel great pain.

The narcissist is quite addictive to his source and when he
withdraws, people often have withdrawal symptoms.

Like any addiction, this must be faced and overcome.

There are two main problems:

1 There may a great temptation to crawl back to the narcissist to beg his forgiveness and try to allow to come back to him;

2 You may seek another narcissist to fill the void.

Either way, you are going to regret it: It doesn't really lessen the pain, you simply keep up the cycle.

Now, it's really easy to get caught up in the illusion that your narcissist is bigger than life and provides you with something; the reality is something else: He is not the one giving--you are; you are the one providing him with everything (or at least a portion) of what he needs.

It's a sick relationship.

In order for your own healing, you must get away from the patient; sever all ties; become independent. No Contact.

It is insanity to remain subject to them.

Here is another trap:
You feel sorry for him.

That is the absolute worst thing you could do

Don't feel sorry for him. Do Not.

He doesn't feel sorry for himself: He's just fine with the way he is and sees no need to change.

And since the narcissist, by definition, is totally incapable of empathy, he doesn't feel sorry for you or anybody else; again, he's just fine, and, except for some righteous indignation because he believes he has been wronged because someone doesn't see the truth that he is the center of the Universe, his life will go on and he WILL find some other first-class sucker to feel sorry for him.

Remember this:

The narcissist won't change, is incapable of it, and furthermore is perfectly satisfied to wallow in the cesspool of his own misery.

How to free yourself from his clutches once and for all:

All narcissists are monsters at the core: they are abusive; the only real difference is the scope of their abuse, limited only by the resources and sphere of influence available to them.

They seem impressive because they are great at manipulating perceptions: They are always a triumph of image over substance.

When the chips are down, though, they fold and take the gold with them, leaving you in a lurch.

You don't count.


Do you feel sorry for them?

Do they seem bigger than life?

Do they break the rules and take shortcuts?

Do they break their promises?

Do they lie to you?

Will they discount the lies they tell you and gloss over them when they come to light?

Do they constantly complain about how stupid people are, how bad service is, etc?

Do they discount your achievements?

Do they want you to solve their problems for them, when it is their responsibility to take care of their OWN problems?

Do you find yourself apologizing to them, particularly when you haven't done anything wrong?

Are they constantly critical of others?

Are they abusing you either with assault or neglect?

Do they expect you to be there for them constantly, on a moment's notice?

Are you finding that they are resource intensive?

Do you have to keep giving them "feedback", particularly on how valuable, smart and / or good looking they are?

Are they abusive toward other people?

Do they seem devoid of empathy towards others and just don't care?

Are they smart alecks? Sarcastic?

Do they constantly want your attention?

And finally,

Do you just plain feel miserable and uncomfortable around them?

If any of these are true, then run, don't walk, for the nearest exit from the relationship.

And don't look back.

from: Night-Vision for Women

Free articles & information for abuse victims:


Everyone fights sometimes. No relationship — whether between couples, family members, officemates, schoolmates, whomever — is completely without conflict. In fact, a relationship that avoids conflict may very well be in some ways unhealthy.
The key to a healthy relationship isn't avoiding conflict, but making sure that you and your partner can clear the air productively — without hurt feelings or worse.
Below are fourteen rules for fighting fair that many couples I work with have found successful. You and your partner may have thought of others.
1. Take Responsibility. It may take two to tangle, but it only takes one to end a conflict. Even if your partner doesn't agree to fight fair, you can make a commitment to never intentionally harm your partner's feelings. Commit to using the rules below. Then, if despite your best efforts, you find the fight getting out of control, walk away, using the suggestions in rule #4.
2. Don't escalate. When someone hurts us, it's human nature to want to hurt them back. But this starts an endless cycle of escalation as each person tries to hurt the other because they were hurt. The most important commitment you can make to fair fighting is to avoid escalating when your feelings are hurt. If either party continues to speak or act hurtfully, choose to walk away — don't lash out.
3. Use "I" speech. When we use "you" speech — such as "You do this" or "You do that" — the other person naturally feels accused and goes on the defensive. This usually leads to escalation. Instead talk about your own feelings: "I feel hurt when you talk that way to me." This avoids defensiveness because it's hard to argue with your self-report of how you feel. It avoids mistakes of understanding, too. There's a good chance that you won't understand your partner's feelings in the midst of a heated argument. If you try to tell your partner what he or she feels, means, or is doing, pretty soon your argument will be side-tracked into who is right, rather than talking about the real issue. But you will always be an expert on how you feel. So stick with your own feelings.
4. Learn when to walk away — productively. If despite your best efforts hurtful speech or actions continue by either party, call a time out. There are three elements to a successful time out. First, use "I" speech to take responsibility. Say something like: "I'm afraid of losing control." Second, tell your partner what you are going to do: "I'm going to take a walk to clear my head." Finally, set a time limit: "I'll be back in 15 minutes and we can talk about this then." Using these three steps — especially setting a time limit — will keep your partner from feeling abandoned or out of control. You are making a commitment to talking about the issue — so your partner won't feel you are avoiding the conversation. But you are clearly saying that you need a brief break. If you still don't feel safe to continue the discussion after your break, make sure you tell your partner — and set a new time limit.
5. Avoid — and defend against — hurtful speech. This includes name calling, swearing, hurtful sarcasm, raising the voice, and other forms of verbal hostility or intimidation. When either party says something hurtful, agree with your partner to use a key phrase that indicates the partner has hurt your feelings, such as "That's below the belt!" If your partner continues despite your warning, it may be time to walk away.
6. Stay calm. Try not to overreact. Especially avoid exaggerating. That way your partner is more likely to consider your viewpoint.
7. Use words, not actions. When feelings are running high, even innocent actions can be misinterpreted. Stick with using "I" speech to explain your feelings, rather than gesturing, menacing, or touching/hitting.
8. Be as specific as possible — with examples. Don't make vague complaints. Try to give concrete examples — who, what, when, and where — of what you object to.
9. Argue about only one issue at a time. Don't start new topics until the first one is fully discussed. Too many couples do what's called "kitchen sinking": They store up a number of hurts and bring them up all in one grand, confusing fight. If you find yourself saying, "And another thing...," you're probably "kitchen sinking."
10. Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Generalizations are usually inaccurate. They will only make things tenser. Stick with specific examples.
11. Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint — even to make an innocent example — just stops you from talking about the real issue. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.
12. Don't wait. Try to deal with problems as they arise — before hurt feelings have a chance to grow.
13. Don't clam up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can build. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.
14. Agree to ground rules. The rules above are just suggestions — although they have worked for many couples I've counseled. But they'll only be maximally effective if you and your partner agree to them. Consider printing out this page and discussing these rules with your partner. You may find that he or she may disagree with some, but want to add others. When you do agree to common ground rules, resolving your conflicts will be much more likely.

Turn Up Your Gaslight Radar. Check for These Twenty Telltale Signs

Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.

3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.

4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.

5. You wonder frequently if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.

6. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.

7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great.

8. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.

9. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

12. You have trouble making simple decisions.

13. You think twice before bringing up certain seemingly innocent topics of conversation.

14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.

15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don't have to tell him things you're afraid might upset him.

17. You feel as though you can't do anything right.

18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.

19. You find yourself furious with people you've always gotten along with before.

20. You feel hopeless and joyless.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Narcissism is All About Him

Narcissism is All About Him

Shared via AddThis

Abusers/emotional manipulators/narcissists/psychopaths can be masters of disguise and covert operations.

Abusers/emotional manipulators/narcissists/psychopaths can be masters of disguise and covert operations. He or She hones their skills to expert precision, lest people see through the mask to the ruthless ambition and envy beneath. Above all, the abuser seeks to keep that mask firmly in place so as not to lose the support of those who've been fooled by the outer facade.
This list of characteristics describes abusers and gives an awareness of the techniques used by * Chameleons * who may be male or female.
1. Charming in public - exuding warmth and charm, an abuser smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be attentive to your needs.
2. Rumor-monger in private - criticizing you behind your back, he may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes. He manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in his plot to undermine your image in every way.
3. Two-faced - He pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge him, he suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. His soft-spoken manner hides his destructive intentions, his flattering words hide his desire to control you, and his seemingly warm personality hides his take-no-prisoners attitude.
4. Distorts truth and reality - He misleads people by omitting key facts. He's extremely concerned to preserve an appearance of integrity, all the while withholding significant information. He misleads people by omitting key facts; he quotes hearsay as important and authoritative, then, justifies his opinion by falsely claiming others think the same way.
Master of the half-truth, he miss-states and belittles your viewpoint, asks questions that demean you, then interrupts before you can fully respond, he changes the subject before you can correct his miss-statements, then he adds new false accusations faster than you can respond to the old ones.
5. Hypocritical - His spoken philosophy and behavior don't match, his words creating a positive image which does not match his actions. He describes his mistakes as minor, but your mistakes as serious, or ignores his own mistakes while always highlighting yours. - He calmly demeans you, but is angry because you don't respect him. Not respecting him = pointing out the incongruities and inconsistencies between who he claims to be and what he actually does and says.
6. Evasive - He acts confused by any complaint about his behavior and always shifts the focus to others. He acts like he is the one who is being victimized. He tries to make you feel guilty for hurting him, accusing you of behavior that was far worse than his and asserting that you are the cause of his bad behavior (if he ever does admit to behaving badly).

7. Pompous - He acts like a know-it-all and never apologizes, unless to prove how rarely he makes a mistake. He's a prima donna ... condescending in words, tone of voice and mannerisms. Every issue which affects him is high drama and he'll try to demolish the opposition in every discussion to keep the focus on him.
8. Self-righteous - In order to disguise his corrupt character, he always claims the moral and ethical high ground. He brags about the goodness of his own character while suggesting that others have dubious motives. He frequently talks of his superior ethical standards, implying that others don't have his high standards and using distorted examples to prove that others are not nearly as superior as he.
9. Obsessed with image - He believes that his image is more important than reality, so he disguises his true emotions and desires. When you see beneath his persona, he will suggest that your actions have hurt his image. Alternatively, he says that your proposed actions (i.e., exposing him) will hurt your own image.
10. Passive-aggressive behavior: (Anger Expressed Inappropriately)
* Put-downs
* Sarcasm
* Insults
* Rudeness
* Sabotage
* Intimidation
* Belittling Remarks
11. Pretends to care - While pretending to care about others, he is at his most manipulative and dangerous. Most people are taken in by his apparently positive energy, enthusiasm and charisma, but in reality, they are naively being fooled by an attractive personality which hides a morally and ethically corrupt abuser who is coldly and ruthlessly pursuing his own selfish ends.
His expression of affection is tainted with possessiveness and he compliments you only because it serves his purpose. He has a look of concern, but he doesn't truly respect you.
He pretends to be your friend while tearing you down, destroying your reputation, weakening your position, and exaggerating the importance of your mistakes.
12. He plays the victim - He exaggerates his pain and suffering, trying to make you feel guilty for causing his pain and claiming that you don't appreciate him.
He becomes angry and indignant when you try to reason with him, and then says he is tired of doing all the compromising.

Narcissists Feel No Love in Any Relationship

Narcissists Feel No Love in Any Relationship

Shared via AddThis

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Accept Me

Accept Me
By David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Copyright Celeritous Dancer, Chtd. and Best Selling Authors, LLC, 2000
This article may not be reproduced in part or whole without express written permission.
Most people want to be accepted, at least by those they care about. In many marriages this notion of acceptance becomes one of "accept me as I am". More powerfully stated it becomes "If you loved me, really loved me, you'd accept me as I am".
This nonsensical notion stems from some gross misconceptions about something popularly called "Unconditional Love" or "Unconditional Acceptance". I used to take the position, that perhaps with the exception of a parent to a young child, there was no such thing as unconditional love. After much discussion with people I now believe there may be such a thing as unconditional love between adults.
However, unconditional love is not relational love. It, if it exists, sits separate from relating. There is no such thing as unconditional relating. All relating is conditional, therefore all marriages are conditional and all marital acceptance is conditional.
To explain this I'd use an example many people turn to as an example or model or unconditional love: their dog or cat. Oddly, the reality is this is the perfect model of conditional love, or relating, at it's best.
Assuming you have a dog or cat with which you have a great "love" relationship I'd challenge you to run an experiment. In two simple steps stop feeding your pet and stop paying any positive attention to it. In a very brief time your "friend" will begin behaving differently toward you. If you want to speed up this experiment simply throw your dog or cat into the wall twice a day.
The reason the animal's behavior will change is the way you and your pet relate is built on a smoothly functioning set of conditions. You feed and attend to your pet in warm kind ways and it will, in turn, respond by attending to you, with affection, work, entertainment, or whatever it is you get from your animal.
The reverse of this experiment would also work. If every time you got home your cat clawed through your skin, or your dog punctured your leg with a bite, it won't take long for your behavior, and probably even your feelings toward the animal to change. Maybe you'll still love your animal, unconditionally, as you take it to the humane society and get rid of it. Or, out of some bizarre sense of obligation and/or guilt, you'll keep it around as some sort of perpetual nuisance in your home.
Let's put the notion of unconditional acceptance into human terms. One of the concepts people seem to like to draw on is "it's just the way I am". How absurd. Would you accept your child stealing money from you, or cheating on exams? Would it work if they said, "it's just who I am, a thief and a cheat"? Maybe your neighbor sets fire to your house and explains "it's just who I am, an arson". If it doesn't count for other people than it doesn't count for you.
Unconditional love or acceptance has nothing to do with relating. Again, all relating is conditional. So, if you've craved some sort of unconditional acceptance as part of relating to your spouse, you really do need to live on Mars or Venus…maybe it exists there. In this world relating is conditional.
This means, if you want your partner's acceptance and love you have to behave in ways which elicit it. Likewise, in turn, if they want your love and acceptance they must elicit that.
One of the common phenomenon which exist in relationships is the use of coercion to elicit behavior. For some this coercion comes in the form of intimidation (usually in the form of intensity). For others it comes in the form of the use of guilt. Some even bring "god" into the picture as the source of coercion. Partners attempt to elicit specific behaviors through these techniques. Sadly, in the short run the techniques often work. That is, the coercion elicits a very specific and limited piece of behavior from their partner. However, the ramification of coercion is alienation.
What these people don't understand is relating, whether with a dog, or a partner, is conditional. If they wanted certain things, like warmth or affection or fun, then they need to behave in ways that elicit these rather than coerce them. It is necessary for them to change their behavior and attitudes and then those in their life will respond in kind.
As a young man I was hostile and angry. Oddly, so was the world. This reaction from the people around me was used to continue to justify my hostility. And people continued to treat me accordingly. Today, almost everyone I meet is nice to me. It seems so simple now, but it really was an "ah ha" experience when I realized I was eliciting exactly what I got, and didn't want, from people.
Most of us crave acceptance from someone. If you do, then behave acceptably.

By David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
Copyright Celeritous Dancer, Chtd. and Best Selling Authors, LLC, 2000

Do You Enable?

We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keen ability to recognize any and all of them. However, when we become so accustomed and engrossed in them, how do we know we are enabling someone else's negative behaviors?

It can be sometimes difficult to come to this realization, because it is has been such a seemingly normal way of life for a designated period of time.

Characteristics that you accept and are willing to ignore in your interpersonal relationships that yield dark consequences, somehow put the offender you enable high upon a pedestal, while you struggle to remain vertical.


You will surrender your values when you enable someone else to practice their ill-fated behaviors, because you fear some form of backlash, whether it be distance, abuse, living up to their great expectations, or upsetting their seedy addictions.

Your future is tied directly to theirs, your self-progression is like shadows that block the sun, yet you seem to continually turn your face to reality, only to enable another day.

You are not worthy!

Much of our lives we are consciously or sub-consciously injected via family, friends, society, or self, that we are simply not equal to others and consequently not worth as much as others are.

This false assumption is reinforced by the behaviors we enable and allow. Therefore, the cycle comes full circle constantly until it is broken....and you are the only one who can break it!


One day in the future, you receive a magical key that unlocks the doors and the cuffs that bind your hands together. The sun beams effortlessly across an icy blue sky, the birds are more audible, your purpose and focus suddenly have more clarity then ever before. You have reached your personal nirvana!

That place in the future is not that far off and that key resides inside you!

This is especially true, as long as you can understand that not condoning their behaviors is the only way out.

This means that their next drinking binge and you calling their work the following morning, only to lie about their inability to show up, or defending your kids' actions when they are obviously wrong, has to stop!

You are worthy and your self respect will generate inner strength to confront this and any other demons that cast long shadows onto your life.

Asking yourself in your most logical voice if it is a healthy behavior you are allowing, will bring you the answers you seek. Subsequently, understanding that you as the enabler is as unhealthy as the enablee is an excellent place to start a discontinuation of enabling. Although what do you do with the person you are enabling after you realize this?


You do have them, and exercising them would be your immanent next step. You can express you displeasure that these behaviors have gone unnoticed for too long and that it is detrimentally affecting the relationship, so it therefore must stop!

Moreover, you can verbalize this in a heart to heart discussion, and in understanding the need for your personal mental health, give them an overdue ultimatum.

Separating yourself from this environment should be indicated if: You receive a flat-out no in your attempts to let them know that the enabling is going to discontinue and their behavior is, also. If they refuse to receive any type of treatment for their problems or addictions. If the effect of their negative behavior is obviously polluting any children.

Note: When children are in the picture, normal and unaffected, much thought must be given before breaking up their home and often should be put off until they leave the comforts of home.

This may sound like living in an internal prison, however, the health of any child must be paramount! A sacrifice for the betterment of any children cannot be overstated.

In addition, it would inevitably yield the relationship more time to mend, as you continue your attempts to work on eliminating your enabling, and assisting your partner's
problematic behaviors to discontinue.

The main point to understand is that enabling someone to cyclically delve into their poor behaviors and addictions must be recognized with your own clarity and logic; then immediately discontinued in order for you and your relationship to maintain it's health.

So ask yourself, is enabling worth it?....Undoubtedly you will come to the realization, it is most definitely not.

Brian Maloney -

It's Not Whether You Fight or Argue -- It's HOW You Fight

Learn to fight fair. Stop hurting those close to you by fighting "below the belt". Try and Buy.

Learn To Fight Fair Helpcard teaches you how. Follow the rules, share with loved ones and stop the hurt. Free preview. Click here for more information about learning to fight fair..
Do You Enable? (Expert Advice) (23 June 2009)

Don't Let Conflict Control You. Take Control of Conflict

Using Your Head To Manage Conflict will teach you to match different conflict management techniques to different conflict situations. Start choosing, instead of reacting. Try before you buy. Volume pricing available.

Free preview. Click here for more information about managing conflict..
Do You Enable? (Expert Advice) (23 June 2009)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

1) There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around.

Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like baloney. If it feels like baloney - it probably is.

Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this baloney.

2) An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.

If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are.

This is a form of crazy making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at.

Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3) Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.

If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality.

WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake.

The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ baloney meter should be flashing steady by now!

4) Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.

They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough.

Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything!

Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and note the baloney meter once again.

5) Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly.

They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of baloney to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind up in jail.

6) If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish -- or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight!

The thing is that even though you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!

7) Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them.

When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8 ) Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them".

One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

"... a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl"

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder for Health and Medical Information


The Cleveland Clinic

Mental Health: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

* What are the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder?
* What causes narcissistic personality disorder?
* How is narcissistic personality disorder diagnosed?
* How is narcissistic personality disorder treated?
* What complications are associated with narcissistic personality disorder?
* What is the outlook for people with narcissistic personality disorder?
* Can narcissistic personality disorder be prevented?

Narcissism is a term used to describe a focus on the self and self-admiration that is taken to an extreme. The word "narcissism" comes from a Greek myth in which a handsome young man named Narcissus sees his reflection in a pool of water and falls in love with it.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of a group of conditions called dramatic personality disorders. People with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. Narcissistic personality disorder is further characterized by an abnormal love of self, an exaggerated sense of superiority and importance, and a preoccupation with success and power. However, these attitudes and behaviors do not reflect true self-confidence. Instead, the attitudes conceal a deep sense of insecurity and a fragile self-esteem.

What Are the Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In many cases, people with narcissistic personality disorder:

* Are self-centered and boastful

* Seek constant attention and admiration

* Consider themselves better than others

* Exaggerate their talents and achievements

* Believe that they are entitled to special treatment

* Are easily hurt but may not show it

* Set unrealistic goals

* May take advantage of others to achieve their goals

Other common traits of narcissistic personality disorder include the following:

* Preoccupation with fantasies that focus on unlimited success, power, intelligence, beauty, or love

* Belief that he or she is "special" and unique, and can only be understood by other special people

* Expectation that others will automatically go along with what he or she wants

* Inability to recognize or identify with the feelings, needs, and viewpoints of others

* Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

* Hypersensitivity to insults (real or imagined), criticism, or defeat, possibly reacting with rage, shame and humiliation

* Arrogant behavior and/or attitude

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The exact cause of narcissistic personality disorder is not known. However, many mental health professionals believe it results from extremes in child rearing. For example, the disorder might develop as the result of excessive pampering, or when a child's parents have a need for their children to be talented or special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. On the other end of the spectrum, narcissistic personality disorder might develop as the result of neglect or abuse and trauma inflicted by parents or other authority figures during childhood. The disorder usually is evident by early adulthood.

How Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder Diagnosed?

If symptoms are present, the doctor will begin an evaluation by performing a complete medical history and physical examination. Although there are no laboratory tests to specifically diagnose personality disorders, the doctor might use various diagnostic tests, such as X-rays and blood tests, to rule out a physical illness as the cause of the symptoms.

If the doctor finds no physical reason for the symptoms, he or she might refer the person to a psychiatrist or psychologist, health care professionals who are specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a person for a personality disorder.

How Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder Treated?

There is no known cure for narcissistic personality disorder, but psychotherapy (a type of counseling) might help the person learn to relate to others in a more positive and rewarding way. Psychotherapy tries to provide the person with greater insight into his or her problems and attitudes in the hope that this will change behavior. The goal of therapy is to help the person develop a better self-esteem and more realistic expectations of others. Medication might be used to treat the distressing symptoms, such as behavioral problems, that might occur with this disorder.

What Complications Are Associated With Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

People with narcissistic personality disorder might abuse drugs and/or alcohol as a way of coping with their symptoms. The disorder also might interfere with the development of healthy relationships with others.

What Is the Outlook for People With Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The prognosis depends on the severity of the disorder.

Can Narcissistic Personality Disorder Be Prevented?

There is no known way to prevent narcissistic personality disorder.

Reviewed by the doctors at The Cleveland Clinic Department of Psychiatry and Psychology.

Reviewed by Cynthia Dennison Haines, MD

Edited by Cynthia Dennison Haines, MD, on March 1, 2005

Portions of this page © The Cleveland Clinic 2000-2005

Last Editorial Review: 9/22/2008
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Causes, Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment on (29 June 2009)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Marie Quote

If people do not respect your parents, then they don't respect YOU! Watch out for people like this, they will take everything you have, even if you think you have nothing. You have something they want, believe me...once you doubt your own blood you are easy prey.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thoughts of the day

If people do not respect your parents, then they don't respect YOU! Watch out for people like this, they will take everything you have, even if you think you have nothing. You have something they want, believe me...once you doubt your own blood you are easy prey.

Just thoughts

is thinking that the world is a better place as long as we keep in mind that our power is either negative or positive and does send ripples throughout the world

25 Things About Me

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1.) I like to chat.
2.) I believe in truth.
3.) I dislike liars who call their story true.
4.) I like learning new things.
4.) I love to read.
5.) Fantasy and Horror are fantastic.
6.) I believe that humans beings are prone to love on another.
7.) Native Spirituality is a life savor.
8.) I like to brush my teeth and then wash my face.
9.) I have wish to be a writer and publish a book.
10.) Creative minds are the best minds.
11.) I really do want world peace.
12.) I believe that facebook is also a place where I have trouble leaving it alone.
13.) I think that healing is a life long process.
14.) I attend BU to become a counselor.
15.) Our life history is a tedious process but necessary.
16.) I have had many changes in my life, some good, some bad.
17.) I feel that I remain the same person who only gets better.
18.) I love my friends in all my classes.
19.) I believe in loyalty to friends and family who hold the same values.
20.) I like the rule that states, there are no mistakes, then that means I am not a mistake nor are you.
21.) I like to be mysterious and a woman.
22.) I like the color "pink".
23.) I like to see a genuine smile on people's faces it comes from a place that makes me happy.
24.) Helping others helps myself.
25.) Children teach us how to live in kindness, they show empathy for others, and they teach us compassion and above all "love" for that I am grateful for that "gift".

I do not deny, that drug addiction and dysfunctional behaviors affected us and we fell into enabling, but DID SAY NO MORE!

* Denial (i.e. a refusal to acknowledge the alcoholism of a parent or child/teenager; ignoring complaints of sexual abuse)
* Lack of empathy toward family members
* Lack of clear boundaries (i.e. throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, inappropriate physical boundaries)
* Mixed Messages
* Extremes in conflict (either too much or too little fighting between family members)

In Dysfunctional Families

"There are four basic roles that children/adult children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems."

"As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental . . . . . of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve "success" on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self."

"The scapegoat is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family."

"A lot of actors and writers are 'lost children' who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters."

Other Stressors in Dysfunctional Families

* Parent/Child role reversal
* Resentment toward the person with the problem
* Blame primary caregiver for staying in the situation
* Individuals may be prone to depression
* Develop fear of becoming close to others
* Fear of losing the primary caregiver
* Learn to discount feelings and needs
* Irrational belief systems
* Multiple unresolved losses (real, symbolic or perceived)

Stages of Stress

* "I can do and be everything." Built in failure and guilt
* "I can't do and be everything." Self Acceptance
* "I don't want to do and be everything." Choice
* "I don't want to do anything." Burnout

Symptoms of Families Under Excessive Stress

* Constant sense of urgency and hurry
* Sense of tension underlying sharp words and misunderstandings
* Mania to escape to your room, car, office, or anywhere
* Feelings of frustration for not getting things done or caught up
* Feeling that time is passing too quickly
* Frequent desire to return to a simpler time of life
* Little me or couple time
* Pervasive sense of guilt for not being and doing everything to and for the people in your life

Transitions and Dynamics That Can Lead To Excessive Stress

One or More Persons in The Family Has Any of The Following or Has a Family History Of:

* A Mental Illness
* An Addiction To Legal or Illegal Drugs
* Overly Rigid Religious Beliefs
* An Abusive Spouse
* An Abusive Parent
* A Physical Disability
* An Emotional or Behavioral Problem
* Responsibility For an Aging Parent
* An Infant/toddler
* An Adolescent
* Adult Children Living at Home

Some of these situations may be temporary, yet without proper preparation, clear guidelines and teamwork can lead to severe strain on the primary caregiver, thus placing the family at risk for malfunctioning.

Our family didn't know what was happening when it happened to us

Dysfunctional Families Part I: Stress Management
by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

The term "dysfunctional families" has been used and abused so much over the years that it is hard to define. In order to define a dysfunctional family, one must first know what a functional or healthy family is.

While there is a lot of difference in what is normal for families, there are some common traits found in families that are considered to be healthy, and other traits found in families experiencing excessive stress which can lead to "dysfunctional" behavior.

Without taking cultural, economic, or social consideration into account, the following information highlights some common traits of healthy families and warning signs that a family may be under too much stress and in danger of becoming "dysfunctional."
Characteristics of Healthy Families

* The family is open to others from outside of the immediate family system.
* They allow outsiders to enter the system and members are allowed to go outside of the system for help when needed.
* Parents set clear generational boundaries. Parents assume the role of primary caregivers and children are secure in their role as siblings, children and individuals.
* The family recognizes that stressful situations are inevitable and temporary. They recognize that stress can be positive if handled appropriately.
* The family works together to minimize stress. They focus on their strengths as a family and as individuals.
* The family works together to find solutions to problems. Their energy is focused on solutions, not blame.
* Family members focus on what is controllable. They make the best of situations over which they have little or no control.
* The family develops and revises rules to deal effectively with day to day life. When they are under stress they work together to revise existing rules and evaluate the results.
* Family members recognize that decisions and routines are flexible. Rigid rules and expectations are challenged as a family.
* Family members feel empowered as a result of effectively dealing with stress. They see challenges as opportunities rather than roadblocks.
* Family members recognize the difference between the symptoms of stress and the sources of the stress. They address the source of the stress.

Areas of Stress For Healthy Families

* Finances
* Dealing with children's behavior
* Insufficient couple time
* Lack of shared responsibility for household upkeep
* Communicating with children
* Insufficient time for self
* Guilt for not accomplishing more
* Couple/relationship issues
* Insufficient family play time
* Over-scheduled family calendar

Healing the Wounds, Having Family Unity How to have a Fun Family! by LuAnn Pierce, MSW, CMSW

Now that we have an idea of what constitutes a healthy family and some common stressors for families, we can look at ways to prevent a family from becoming "dysfunctional" during times of change and stress. Since families are made up of individuals we have to take into account ways for individuals to take care of their own emotional needs.

One basic truth most people in 12 step programs come to terms with pretty early in their recovery is that we can only control and change our own behavior. If we could control or change the behavior of others, our efforts to stop loved ones from drinking, using drugs, gambling would have worked long ago. I tell people that if I could control what others do or think, everyone would be happy, healthy and financially secure. Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of control over anyone but myself.

First we need to identify the basic needs of human beings so we can understand what drives us to do the things we do. Our basic needs are:

1. To be capable and successful at something.

People who are not succeeding in at least one area of their lives often feel hopeless. Those who are resilient and have adequate support can move on from failure and keep trying. However, those who have a history of repeated failures may give up, which can lead to depression and despondency. This pattern may begin at an early age, especially in children who do not do well in school or who receive other negative messages about their worth as human beings, such as verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

Some may channel their talents in alternate ways that are illegal or socially unacceptable, yet that give them a feeling of success. One thing you can do for yourself, and your children, is to find something at which you excel and do it! Doing so builds self esteem, increases competence and can give you the courage to take on bigger challenges. Set up ways to succeed in life by doing what you do well.

2. To feel cared for and belong to a group.

Everyone needs to care for and be cared for by others. This need never leaves us. Many people do not get their need for belonging met through their immediate families, because the people in their families are not capable of caring for them. Longing to be cared for by our parents and immediate family may never go away completely, and is a loss that we may spend a lifetime trying to fill.

That void is sometimes filled with unhealthy habits and relationships. It is a loss that must be grieved, people that must be forgiven and hurts that must be healed to enable us to live a healthy life. As we mature, we have more control over who we care for, and where we get our needs for belonging met. We can choose our own network of friends and family members, and choose to care for and be cared for by people who are more capable of giving and receiving love.

Many people who aren't yet skilled at caring for other people, have learned to care for themselves and others by caring for pets.

3. To have power and control.

All of us have a need for power and control over our lives, minds and bodies. We exercise this need in highly individual ways. Some openly try to meet this need by bossing others around. Others are more subtle and meet their needs in a passive manner, by acting helpless and needy. Some ask for what they need, ie. "I need a hug, will you hold me?" This is the middle ground that we should strive for and it takes the three steps of identifying our needs, making them known, and asking for what we want.

Doing this can be difficult because we risk rejection. It may help to realize that the person you approach also has needs, and a refusal doesn't mean you are being rejected, but that the other doesn't have what you need at that time. Sometimes, people don't have the emotional energy to give, even if a hug is all you ask for, as their own emotional needs are not met.

If you respect others' needs, you are less likely be hurt if your request for emotional support is denied. To respect others' needs you must first know, accept and respect your own. Forcing someone to give emotional energy against their will is a violation of their power and control.

Whether emotional or physical, the end result of being forced is feeling violated. Many children grow up to be victims, because we force them to say and do things that are socially acceptable, yet that disregard their feelings and rob them of their own power and control. Protect your power and control, and respect the power and control of others by allowing them choices.

4. To give of ourselves and help others.

While we must take care of ourselves and our own well-being first and foremost, we also need to give to others. It is in giving love, care and generosity that we receive what we need in return.

These things are not returned because they are owed it to us, but because as other peoples' needs are met, they have the emotional energy to give as well. When in relationships with people who take and are unable to give, the "taker's" needs are so great that they drain the life from us, and we may become emotionally depleted, bitter and resentful.

This is the classic co-dependent relationship, which is often found in families with addictions, physical or emotional disabilities and other dysfunctional relationships.

5. To be stimulated and have fun.

As we get older and work harder, caring for ourselves and others, this need is often overlooked. For mental health, it is vital to keep the fun parts of life alive, so whatever yours are, do them! It should not be necessary to be with other people to have fun, so if you're unable to have fun alone, work on your relationship with yourself. If you don't enjoy your company, others won't either. Many of us don't know ourselves very well as adults.

Sometimes we put limits on ourselves based on old beliefs that keep us from having fun. If you believe that adults shouldn't ________, re-evaluate that belief to decide if it is still rational by your standards today.